special announcement

Dear Residents,

This letter is just to confirm that there is nothing to worry about. We have it all under control. As your elected officials we only have your best interest at heart and would never lie to you. As the famous song says “Look in to my eyes can’t you see they’re open wide would I lie to you baby would I lie to you?” So sit back and relax. While you are smiling and humming that song we would just like to remind you of a few things.

  • Mandatory masks – Now we know that there was a small issue of kids dying in China wearing them but that was a very isolated event. Our experts have done extensive independent research and we have come to the conclusion that your body can handle lower than normal oxygen levels for the time you have the mask on. So make sure you have one on especially when exercising because other people might sweat nano-droplets on you which in turn could make you test positive.
  • One point five metres – Please disregard those haters that always say there is no basis in science for this rule. They obviously just want you to test positive. Better to be safe than sorry we say. That means no hugs too. Those little crosses on the floor are there to ensure you stay safe so always comply please.
  • Regular Testing – We believe that the best way is regular. It takes 4-6 weeks to get in to a habit so wouldn’t it just make sense to get tested on a more often? We have set up drive through centres where you can conveniently order contact less and nutritional food plus get your status tested by qualified staff. (all McDonald’s staff have attended mandatory training and have passed our stringent quality standards testing)
  • Vaccines – Operation “Fast and the Furious” is making incredible strides forward in producing and implementing a safe and effective vaccine. Some unqualified and discredited ex-medical professionals insist it takes 5 to 8 years to synthesise a new vaccine but that is just fake news. We estimate with our new advanced technology to have the jab ready in six months. The race is one so stay tuned.
  • The New Normal – We know that this deadly pathogen has devastated businesses and caused some people to consider suicide. We urge everyone to stop-consider-and-survive. (New T-shirts will be available soon) If you see someone in danger tell them to Stop-Consider-and Survive!
  • Lock Downs  – I think people really do over rate personal freedoms. We need to give up a few small things in the short term to have victory in the long term – Like the bunny and the turtle example – this is the long haul. The virus is lurking in every corner and we cannot afford to relax just yet. Hang in there and remember stop-consider-and-survive!

Yours sincerely

Your Local representative