29 years with covid-19

Have you ever felt like you were in bed with several other people all at once? Have you ever had an itch that irritated you all day but could not be scratched no matter how hard you tried? Have you ever been in love…?

I married someone a long time ago and as do I told myself all would be wonderful and rosy forever. (How many times have you heard that?) However, relationships are always two way and rely on both parties being honest with each other, sharing secrets, past childhood adventures and future shared visions of a small house with a picket fence and small children playing contently in the back yard on a bright sunny day.

My marriage was nothing like that. In fact it was nightmare most times. I felt like I was living someone else’s life and not my own even though I told myself it was real. It was a complete sham. Everything I thought I possessed was fabricated and built on foundation of brittle match sticks. The astonishing thing was I trusted my wife even though she lied through her teeth to my face every day about our happy family.

Our first son was born premature which caused numerous severe neurological and physical disorders. It destroyed me emotionally and broke me down in to something that made humpty dumpty look like a piece of art. But that is a story for another day. Our second was shining little perfection that brought joy to everyone he spoke to. I recall his birth and seeing his perfect little face knowing without doubt that he looked very familiar. My wife assured me everything was perfect, she loved me and he was copy of my father who was also blonde haired and had brilliant eyes of blue.

As time went by small ripples began to appear in my reality. (some call them glitches..)

  • She spend many hours at a close friends houses and took little excursions with the said male friends.
  • She would often come home at 2am while I looked after the kids on my own. (I was a home body I admit)
  • Many of my man friends seemed to prefer to talk to her when they visited my house and I visited theirs. Sometimes regarding me like I was an exhibit at a zoo. (but that was just me being paranoid I assumed)
  • And so on and so forth…

Sure you see the picture right? How many times did I refuse to see the writing on the wall? (even after finding a love letter to my “best friend”) Each time she got down on hands and knees weeping – “I love you and I never did anything!”

29 years later she confessed to what had been lurking in my mind for decades and haunted me in my ever restless sleep. (incidentally this was after my mother passed and left her estate to me and my brother…) The second son was not mine but my ex bosses. (Considering he looked, sounded and had the same personality as him should have shaken me to reality and action) My wife had a hold on me. I was under her spell. She told me the reality she wanted me to know.

Reluctantly and with great trepidation I did a DNA test on the first boy assuming he was mine. Test results… Drum roll…99%

NOT MINE.

I broke down in a humpty dumpty that made my other falls look like a pleasant stroll on the beach as the waves gently wash over your feet. If I thought I was devastated the first few times post “revelations”, break up, moving home and divorce I was making an understatement of the decade. No-one will ever know just how broken I am. Compared to that bright, brave, positive young man that was was married those decades ago I am now a shadow, a spectre and shell of a façade.

This is my story… 29 years with COVID-19.