OH NO! Finland has discovered a new non-existent mutant virus! This one will not show up on tests! Does that mean everyone has it? I wonder what comic book story the presstitutes will fabricate when this turns up in Melbourne!

Chairman Dan Andrews has today announced a LEVEL 6 lockdown. Residents cannot leave their bedrooms and must wrap themselves in Gladwrap 24/7 except to take a pee pee or poo! The Chairman of VicChina has told our courageous reporters that this new strain came from a Finish pilot who shook hands with a technician who then omitted to cleanse hands. Experts say that until a way is found to test for its presence the lockdown will be in effect indefinitely.

Professor FoolOSit from The University of Melbourne’s Infectious Diseases campus told reporters today that this is game changer and we must all be willing to do what it takes to save granny.

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