strangeApril 17, 2021
I do not write this for you but me. So if you don’t like it, don’t read it.
When I was around 6 years old, I threw myself on the ground and went “ooo” “ooo” “ooo” like I was having a fit in front of my parents at school. My parents thought I had issues as I exhibited unusual behaviour throughout my childhood. They got it looked in to but I am not sure they ever found anything definitive.
I enjoyed making strange noises with my friends and often got in trouble with my teachers. It was our trade mark of stupidity or perhaps just our way of being kids. One friend Anthony was my offsider until the end of primary school. I considered him one of my closest friends in the last year of school as my others friends were in lower classes or already in high school. I started school early and had to repeat 2nd grade so my closest friend left me behind.
So I had very fond memories of Anthony and recently tried to contact him to see if perhaps he wanted a coffee to have a laugh. He was not all interested in that so I let it go. His memories may have not been the same as mine. After all he was an intellect now and a lecturer at a prominent college and maybe I was below him, who knows but I felt a pang of disappointment.
So as you can appreciate most of my friends thought I was strange but so where many of them. One such fellow fan of strange noises loved to hang is head out of the train window and poke his tongue out looking like a kid on a disabled bus. He really got some interesting looks back and we laughed so hard that we almost wet ourselves. We liked to get rise out of strangers who could not get back at us. Sounds strange. He had personality and always had the ladies where I never did because they thought I was strange.
I recall waking to school with my friend called Hazel. She lived on the same street as the school. As she got older she was a bit of stunner so she shunned me because I was too strange. We actually were close for a little while. I felt sad to be rejected for no apparent reason. After all I was the same kid but she had moved on and I did not fit in with her peers.
As I grew up I perceived myself as strange. I recall standing on the porch of my neighbour as he told me how weird I was. As he was close for a while that one really hurt and I think that one sunk in to my innermost being. If you don’t like that term tough for you that’s what I call it. There is place deep inside us that stores bad and good memories that affect the very DNA of our existence.
Consequently of always being rejected, I was a very nervous individual because I was afraid of making a mistake or being seen as strange. But when you are strange you are strange. Some well-meaning parents call it unique but really they are calling you strange. They do their best but in the end we all have unique DNA that distinguish us from everyone else. It is not uncommon to be rejected by our parents if inadvertently. The problem for some of is we cannot get past it.
We are all born bad and every human being that has ever existed has and will struggle with this. I can guarantee you that if I spend a few hours with you I would find something bad about you. Perhaps you would disagree but human beings are master of self-deceit so your very disagreement confirms that. It is our signature. We can convince ourselves that bad is ok. If the world is bad and cruel but we are not how is that possible? The world is us. We created it, live it, work in it and die in it. The world is exactly how we created it because we are born bad. Even if I do good things can anyone know why I do those good things and what are good things?
I have struggled with this in particular. I question my motives, thoughts and actions moment by moment but I still fail to stop doing bad. Because the culmination of my life is crystallised in to this moment my experiences will surface in my behaviour. I will hate my ex because how she thoroughly dismantled me and therefore struggle to trust people because what is the point if they are all bad?
My best friends betrayed me in the most intimate ways. They got so close and then plummeted their bad in to me when my back was turned and then smiled and embraced me afterwards. I hear people saying well welcome to life – that happened to me too, so what? This in itself is self-deception because are you truly over it? If this experience had made me better I should have compassion for anyone who has been similarly betrayed and not point my finger at them and say – tough! However having said that I can tend to be judgemental particularly when I feel very low. (Like today)
I have always seen myself as a real person. I am what you get and if I appear loyal and honest that is because I am those things. People feel very uncomfortable with someone like that because it threatens their own moral sense. They see me as attempting to show them up but this is never my intention. I do not know why this is the case as I have no agendas. My only agenda is I like to be treated the same way you yourself like to be treated. That means I do not like to be lied to, manipulated, betrayed and so on. That is it. However the bad part of us cannot accept something as straight forward and pure as that. People just think that is too strange.
I keep being haunted by a recent experience with a once close friend and former mentor. I do not seem to be able to get over this one and it disturbs me. We met recently and he had entirely bought in to the current whole world scenario. This confused me as he was always such a sharp and investigative person. He assumed when we met that I was also part of that particular matrix and he quickly realised as we conversed that my perspective was polar opposite. This made him quite frustrated and of course that was completely my fault. I communicated to him as gently as I could but was honest and real in describing the point I stood on and why.
He was not happy and tried to laugh it off as I felt the atmosphere thicken. After that brief exchange he was eager to be on his way not have to deal with what was in my view cognitive dissidence as has been the experience of millions all around the world. I do not judge at all as I have experienced this many times and consistently struggle with that uncomfortable feeling that you are doing something bad because you are not submitting to pre-programs embedded deeply in to the psyche from childhood. Even writing this makes me feel uncomfortable as I sometimes think I am wrong. However when I question that feeling all I get it blanks. It seems very spiritual in nature as each time I operate outside what is expected a sick feeling begins to rise up inside me which has no logical basis in origin. Every time I think of the current scenario being played out around us I feel my stomach turn and a sense of dread arises. If I was firmly convinced of the curtains of lies around me would I also sense that inner sick feeling?
I am guessing that this is normally medicated in individuals such as myself as up until recently it mildly was. After investigating anti-depressants I weaned myself off them as the side effects and adverse and long term issues just are not worth the momentary numbing of this senses. I would rather experience the pain and grief and go for a long walk in the sunlight or read a positive text. I refuse to have the feeling of sickness supressed. I must process this and heal. As anyone reading this would agree that is often an insurmountable task. Friends will tell us we must speak to a professional and perhaps be medicated but in my experience the professionals reinforce the falsity that caused the sick feeling in the first place as they are trained to do in my opinion by the so called controllers. (For the want of a better word)
I just interacted with someone who has continually ignored my existence even when engaging eye to eye. It took about 18 months for him so say hello even though he knows nothing of me. I have however noticed he is a fan of the football team of this city I currently live in and my team just trounced his. He of course would not have a clue. The exchange was awkward and test for myself to see his reaction. He smiled as was expected of us in such a conversation. This is most I have ever extracted out of him and probably ever will. I enjoy conversations but prefer that the other party is actually vaguely interested in my words.
In the recent past I have been amongst hundreds of people in large gatherings. Many who I knew glanced my way but quickly found someone else to speak with rather than engage me. This always feels very painful to me as it is all too common experience in my life. This has not always been so as I have been amongst smaller groups of people in the past that I have been leading in various church organisations over the decades where I actually have had meaningful interactions. I will confess I enjoy these times immensely not only in leading but the proximity of people that will listen. I do however tire internally very quickly and need to be alone to recharge but that does not mean I do not long for it.
Unfortunately this has not been my experience in my current city in the large churches I visited where the vast majority purposely avoided me because at the time of my separation I probably looked forlorn. I do not hide such feelings easily and people are exceptionally superficial in this city. They do not appreciate anyone who is real. After all perhaps I appeared as too high maintenance – I have no idea to be honest. Or I was too guarded having been rejected too many times to count after the separation and divorce which intensified all of the rejection I felt.
If there is one thing that is important to me it would be loyalty. After decades of a lifeless marriage that was the least of my experiences as I have already stated in the beginning. Close friends cheating behind my back by my ex and personally raising offspring who were not mine. I recently listened to the experiences of those who were raised to be disciples of the controllers. Betrayal is the fundamental mechanism used to mentor individuals to usefulness for their nefarious plans. These people who are the controlled must experience a catastrophic sense of rejection and betrayal for them to be conditioned and used further up the ladder.
I have always made a point of making my choices and not obeying other people mindlessly or submitting to them because it was expected as some kind of chain of command. The whole “team” mentally that is typically American in origin riles me up because a team needs a leader or a captain and then everyone has to follow. I reject that philosophy but do not get me wrong! I am not a rebel just someone who likes to know where we are going and why. Just blind obedience does not work nor ever has it except in extreme situations like the military were hesitance kills. I am not talking military but the overall mentally we have been forced to believe since babies – submit to authorities. No we willingly make choices to take certain actions and should never be forced. The only entity or I can obey is Yeshua as GOD is perfect and worthy of obedience. Man is not not worthy. In my life that has been proven thousands of times.
My whole life I have tried to be a good boy and fit it but never could. Obey the speed limit, pay taxes, give to church and do what the boss says no matter how much he is lying and trying manipulate me to further his career and sleep with my wife. This kind of obedience of man never works. In fact the world system relies on this from all of us as they keep increasing income tax, parking fines, road tax, land tax, death tax and numerous other smack-on-your-bottom infringements! We have been conditioned to be plantation workers something that my spirit will not tolerate. I am no mans slave but in reality I am in the current structure of this world system and have been from birth. Perhaps this is why I am so strange. (according to my fellow man)
We are slaves now and are so far from what we were intended to be. This is why we arrived here. This is why I am sitting at this desk and writing these words. We have blindly trusted entities that have no interest in anything that would benefit any of us. Their desire is for our demise by any means possible. The world is designed to bring us to this place. The place is called death.